When to say goodbye?
I learned today that our wonderful vet has to have immediate surgery on his eyes and will not be available to help us send Darla and Peggy on their way to Heaven. He suggested I either postpone until he healed or use a good buddy of his. Doc promised that his friend would do our little ladies justice and would completely understand our wishes.
I debated for several hours. My mind rolling around all the facts, turning them in every direction. Was this a sign that I was giving up too soon? My thoughts raced back over the last few months and the memories of the pain Peggy and Darla are in are just too many. Mostly, the voice of our farrier echoes in my head. "This is torture for them," he said when trimming those dear little hooves.
I called the substitue vet. Doc was right. This man is compassionate. He talked with me for over a half hour on the phone. Doc had already called him to ask if he could help out and I swear, when I told him about our little ladies, he sounded choked up.
So we will continue as planned. I know I am doing right by Peggy and Darla. But my heart hurts so very much. When I think I will no longer see those pretty little faces every day I almost become overwhelmed with selfishness and want to keep them longer. I worry so, so very much about the other ladies. Arcy and Blue Viking "babysit" those ponies like they were foals. Will they be relieved that their friends are no longer in pain, or will the hurt as much as I am hurting right now?
Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that there is a Hell in the Afterlife. With all that a human heart must endure, it feels like it is right here on Earth. Other times I know how blessed I am for the enrichment each fine equine soul brings me.
These are the hard times. Joy is right around the corner. It is up to us to find it.